she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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