whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
