Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The beer is more important than you right now.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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