I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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