I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Randomize
