Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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