Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
