I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
