Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
