So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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