No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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