Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
