did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My bed smells like the plague
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
