I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
