On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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