In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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