dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
