Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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