Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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