singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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