Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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