but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
