dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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