Will you blow on my dice?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
