I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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