Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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