You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
