you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
