I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
