I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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