I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
