Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
