I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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