Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
