I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
