Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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