Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
