There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
