Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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