If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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