I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
