I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
