you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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