Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
