so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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