After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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