she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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