Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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