My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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