finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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