So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
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It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered