im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
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and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
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Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.