I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM