You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
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