Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
