Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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