My liver just broke up with me...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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