Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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