hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
