you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
