I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
