Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
