I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
