I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
