Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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