why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Randomize
